Internalized Misogyny, Algorithms, and the Lost Art of Listening
Lately, the algorithm has been feeding me content around misogyny—specifically the rise of conversations about masculine and feminine roles. Some of these discussions are thought-provoking, but many are misinformed, divisive, or worse, laced with internalized misogyny disguised as empowerment.
The troubling part? Much of this dialogue isn’t about learning or connecting—it’s about being right. When the goal is to prove a point rather than understand someone else’s experience, we lose the opportunity to connect, grow, and challenge harmful beliefs—especially the subtle, internalized ones.
What Is Internalized Misogyny?
Internalized misogyny refers to the unconscious absorption of sexist beliefs, where individuals—often women—uphold or enforce patriarchal values against themselves or others.
It can show up as:
Believing women are too emotional or irrational
Shaming other women for their choices or appearance
Belittling feminine traits in oneself or others
Viewing men’s approval as more valuable than self-validation
These beliefs often run quietly in the background, shaped by culture, media, family systems—and yes, algorithms.
Why Conversations About Misogyny Fall Apart Online
They lack emotional depth: The focus stays on content, not the underlying pain.
They aim to win, not understand: Defensiveness replaces dialogue.
They ignore personal history: Lived experience gets lost in generalizations.
They often reinforce internalized misogyny: Disguised as logic or “just the way things are.”
How We Move the Needle
If we’re truly going to challenge misogyny—internalized or otherwise—it won’t be through argument. It will happen by:
Getting curious: Ask questions that uncover emotion and experience.
Listening to understand, not reply: Connection begins with compassion.
Recognizing your own biases: We all carry internalized messages.
Focusing on emotional process: Beneath every belief is a feeling that needs to be heard.
As a couples therapist, I see the power of this daily. Growth doesn’t come from outsmarting someone—it comes from understanding them. And sometimes, it starts with questioning what we've internalized ourselves.